So Your Friend Reached Out…
With all this talk and encouragement to have people reach out for help, I think it is important to also talk about how to respond! Because sometimes it is scary to be the receiver of struggle. It can feel overwhelming. Like a huge responsibility. To know that someone you love is struggling and not know how to help them/him/her.
As tempting as it may be in that moment, don’t try to fix the problem. Instead, take a look at these 5 tips I have put together for being a better listener:
Provide Empathy
What exactly is empathy?
The Merriam-Webster says empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
Wow. That is a mouthful!
Empathy is to be differentiated from sympathy in that the empathizer actually feels the same feelings as the other person, rather than simply feeling for that person. Brene Brown sums this difference up best in her animated short:
I love the line, “I don’t know what to say right now, I am just so glad you told me.” I suggest using this line when you feel the urge to fix it. That urge to fix is directly related to the discomfort you feel in feeling their feelings! It is an instinctive response to mitigate the discomfort. Like, “I don’t like how this feels, how do I make it stop? I know, let’s fix it!”
Just Be There
Just be there, physically. Share the space. I can’t tell you how many clients I have had who have asked for just this thing from their loved ones. They say they just want someone to be nearby. To know that they are safe, that they have the time to process, that they are supported. It can actually look like simply sitting next to them. You may need to ask.
What do you need right now?
How can I best support you?
Would it help if I just sit here with you?
Give Space
It might also be giving them space with the reassurance that you are available when they are ready or wanting more closeness.
Did you know that when a person is dysregulated, the area of the brain they use to reason, control impulses, and problem solve (that is their prefrontal cortex), goes offline? So, in a moment of calm, they may be able to reflect on what happened. The key is letting them get to that space. Sometimes that means giving them space. Again, you may need to ask or offer.
What do you need right now?
Would you like to take a few minutes to yourself?
Please know that I am here for you when you are ready.
Listen
This is a tough one for us because of the discomfort. When we feel it, we tend to fill the air with words. Silence though can be the best tool in these situations. Sometimes people are unsure of what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, and may not even know what they need. As frustrating as it can be in the moments when you just want to know what is going on and help, I am sure you can also relate to that experience of not really knowing why you are feeling or acting a certain way. Silence provides a space for people to think about what they are feeling and potentially put it into words for you. Sometimes they just need the extra time to articulate what is going on.
Safety
Please keep safety in mind when giving space or leaving a conversation such as this. When someone is extremely low or dysregulated, they may do something impulsive to hurt themselves (because remember that their prefontal cortex, which controls impulses, is offline). Do not be afraid to ask them if they are thinking of hurting themselves. There is a tendency to shy away from the question, worrying that asking it might be suggestive. Research shows that this is NOT the case. If someone is contemplating suicide, it is already in their mind. You can offer these resources or if you are very concerned about your loved one, you can also call 911 yourself:
Crisis Line – 403.266.HELP (4357)
Kid’s Help Phone -1-800-668-6868
Call 211 in Calgary, AB for more mental health resources
Visit your doctor
Go to your nearest urgent care centre or emergency room, or call 911, if in immediate need of help.
Please Share
Even if you already knew some or all of these things, there are a lot of people out there who do not. My hope is that more people will read this post and learn more about how to support one another in trying times. Please share!
